August 24th, 2002


Even golf gets to me

I know I've been really lousy about updating, I haven't been online much lately. I've been feeling really down, and I've mostly been reading. I re-read a lot of the Xanth books, because I'm so tired and out of it that they're vaguely interesting. I've also just been spending a lot of time curled up on the couch staring into space.

I've been out of the house to do stuff with my friends fairly often, but then when I get back I just start moping again.

Today I was watching golf with dad and I got all mopey because the golf tournament was in Seattle. All those golf pros are in Seattle and I'm not. That had to be the stupidest thing my brain has gotten upset about in a while, really. I've been dreaming about Sean an awful lot lately, though. I don't really know why. I love him, and I also hate myself for so many things related to that relationship. Sometimes it's hard to tell when I'm upset because I'm not with him or upset because of the choices I made when I was. Probably both. I loved him so much and did so many damn fool things to be with him, and I haven't been myself since we broke up. It still hurts that he didn't care about me the way I did about him. It shouldn't, it's been over 2 years and we only dated for under 2 months, but it still does. I'm just down all the time, and wander around trying to find a way to cheer up. I'm finding it hard to get anything done. I don't even care that I start grad school in a month, I haven't done any review or shopping for it. I can't even motivate myself to clean my room up now that I'm going to be living here long term. I haven't even bothered to finish setting up my computer so I have a printer and speakers. I'm a mess.

I also have to go to Costco with dad. Knowing me, I'll forget to update for another month. If you want to know what's happening in my life, clipdude tends to post about the stuff we do together. All the minutiae of my life, none of the whining about Sean.
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